Memory: Curse of the Mind?

We all go through pain. Pain when someone dies, when someone leaves you, when your dog dies, when your mom scolds you and your best friend turns into your worst enemy. But having to go through numerous kinds of agony, there’s still beauty in pain. It’s a cliché to even attempt to find the happiness in sorrow, but it’s possible to see it especially in the climax of our pain. What do I mean by climactic sadness? It is when we can’t fathom the pain to even attempt to smile or have a positive outlook, that there’s still joy and hope. When my ex-lover broke up with me, I died a little. I think that’s possible, right? To die when someone leaves you? I guess it’s too much to ask for people to stay when there’s no reason anymore to just be there. Even as a friend, I think my ex couldn’t work it out anymore. And I thought that was the end for me.. End of everything. I was figuring out how to move forward. Something was holding back. Would I still be able to love again? What’s in store for me for the next seconds, minutes and hours? I was not prepared.

And then memory comes in the picture. It slithers in, parallel with your effort to eradicate all which makes you sad. It was a kind of a curse of some sort. Like a video I’m watching again, my memory plays back the days when we were so okay, when all we had was happiness, when life was so beautiful for me, not knowing the love was only one way. It’s frightening actually, to have memories go into your mind; I feel like in any second, I would turn mad. I’m not really sure what it feels like to be crazy, but I think I was close to it during my tormenting days because of the break up. And, this was my first time to experience a break up. It was only afterwards that I saw my maturity in this experience.

Memory indeed plays a big part in our lives. When you can’t let go of a person, it’s because of the significant and not so important events with this person boggling your mind. You’ll have a different state of mind compared to a person who has a positive outlook. When your friends tell you to forget about the person who caused you pain, you’ll still let memories creep in, especially when you feel like remembering that person. But most of the time, you don’t mean to recall things, it just hits you where it hurts and the pain comes back all over again. During my miserable days, I just wish I could’ve had a sudden car accident (as if this would be the solution) to have an amnesia. It was really funny, looking back on those days; I was in a state of inconsistency. One day I’m enraged with my ex, the other, I was still deeply in love. It was at the same time terrifying. I feel like I’m in a maze where I need to go out. I wanted to just put all my unwanted memory in a jar and throw it.

So hypothetically, what if I really had amnesia, presumably because of the car accident I was dreaming of? All my memory would be wiped out or maybe a portion? As far as I know, there are levels in amnesia, and the one I wanted to have is the kind of amnesia which wipes out my memories with my ex. Stupid really, because that was impossible. So scratch that out, let’s just talk about amnesia. So to speak, I have always thought about this even when I was a kid, of amnesia as it were. How would that go about? It’s chilling to just think of not recognizing your loved ones. I wouldn’t want that to happen. I’d rather move on and forget the things I need to forget. Forgetting – the hardest thing for us to do. You’re the only one liable to yourself; no one could help you but you.

So what happened to me after the pain? Oh let me tell you, it was an amazing encounter really. I met this wonderful person and this person made me feel introverted and extroverted at the same time. Because of him, I wasn’t quite scared of moving forward anymore. This person was so great I was able to not think of the memories I had with my alleged ex-lover. It was a great feeling actually, to find someone new in the midst of inconsistencies and dilemmas. A memory could be accepted by a new memory. It was not something I planned or wanted, it just happened and I loved it.

Acceptance and deciding to be happy; We need not wipe out everything which hurts us every time we remember, what we need is the courage to face them and see the more beautiful things in life, to not hold back and let yourself be the prisoner of your own self. We need to release certain people in our lives because better ones will come and make us happier. And we’ll see that all the pain in remembering is worth it. For me, when I met my new love, I didn’t need too much courage to forget my ex, things were falling into place, new memories were happening and it was so amazing.

Memory undeniably structures our character. It shapes our individuality as it gives emphasis on our experiences. We become more distinct as human beings in the new events we encounter. People, places, things and events – we cannot just forego significant memories playing in our mind because these are what we need to move forward, to step back and even to stay still. However, we need not be stagnant in the happy memories of our past which holds us back. If we have this state of mind, we’ll see that throughout the whole duration of pain, happiness will appear in the midst of wretchedness.

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