The Day I Finally Bought an E-Cigarette and Read the Funny Manual

Today, I finally bought an e-cigarette. Since the website has a particular brand that it is promoting, I will not mention the name of the one I bought. I purchased the e-cigarette, along with my regular supply of Marlboro Lights Gold that I routinely buy every grocery day. The decision was impulsive, it's true. The thought process that lead me to it was simpler. It only cost 250 pesos or $6, more or less. But Danny, what about the health consequences?

I didn't do much research, as price and taste were the only things on my mind. Now before you criticize me, I'd like to tell you that the same thing is on my mind whenever I purchase my regular cigarettes. The same thought process subliminally courses its way from my head to my fingers which then reaches for my wallet. The formula was simple: A + T + Hq = Buy Affordable (A) + Taste (T) + Help me quit (Hq) =Buy.

 The sales lady didn't even do a good job of trying to sell it to me. “Sir, since you already opened it, you're already going to buy it,.” she said in a matter of fact way. I was like, “Ummm, okay. I just wanted to try it but okay.” It tasted like burning plastic. As an experienced smoker, this was my initial impression of it. I promptly told the sales lady my opinion. “Sir, that's because the butt of the cigarette is made of plastic.” I sometimes wish that I could do that trademark Elvis Presley smirk. (See "Pawnshop Chronicles", starring Brendan Frasier.)

I had my own, but it didn't quite have the same desired effect. She promptly got a bottle of some liquid, sprinkled it in the opened red cartridge, and gave it back to me. I tried it again. This time, it tasted like chocolate. What a trick.

Initial impressions: It had too many wires and stuff. Now it only has one set of wires that could be plugged in a USB port, but for me, that's too much. Okay, I guess it needs to be charged. The e-cigarette is as heavy as 10 real sticks. Now, I work a green collar job. As a gardener/farmer, I oftentimes carry a pack of cigarettes with me whenever I work. Sometimes you'd find me like a duck with a stick on its mouth squatting on the mud, puffing smoke like there's no tomorrow. Such an image would no longer apply now that I have my e-cigarette. I'd look far more sophisticated.

It makes a funny wheezing sound whenever I sip it. I don't know whether this is a feature or an advantage, but I certainly wouldn't want the person sitting next to me think that I'm on something. I could compare the sound it makes to my asthma inhaler. Come to think of it, maybe they should include a ring tone, so wenever I sip it, would play the Game of Thrones theme song or something. It doesn't make me feel like a dragon. I am a pretend dragon. One of my triggers are people. I smoke when I am around people who stress me out. That's my weird defense mechanism. The e-cigarette does not make me feel like I'm a dragon. Because of its weird wheezing sound, it makes me feel like an asthmatic.

I have to buy mosquito repellants. One of the weird reasons why I smoke while working on the garden is I have this strange belief that the smoke from my cigarettes repels mosquitoes. I don't know if it really does that or if it just makes the nerves of my skin dull, but for me it works that way. I doubt that the vapor from the e-cigarette would kill the mosquitoes. It does not provide me with that “artificial warmth”. Remember when I said that smoking makes me feel like a dragon? That's also because the heat of the cigarette makes me feel warm inside. The e-cigarette does not achieve this. But In all seriousness, I still like it. If my little experiment works and I am somehow weaned from real cigarettes, I'm hoping that I could finally quit both cigarettes and e-cigarettes. The thing that's working for me right now is that whenever I feel that pull, I could just reach in my pocket and grab my handy dandy e-cigarette.

 

Read the ridiculously funny e-cigarette manual.

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