On Existence


It took me a little while to realize how fascinated I was on existence; that vibe of knowing that someone out there is listening to what I have to say, and feel that I have a place in this context. At the back of my mind, a number of people know me by name, but only a few know what`s running in my head. All at the same time, I have too much fear going on with that want. I`m scared that if people start to have access on my thoughts, everything`s going to be a mess.

I am so preoccupied with those around me, that if I was strategically placed in a dark tunnel, I wouldn’t find my way out, because everyone seems to be leading me to different directions. I just want to see that yellow light, not in a divine intervention or a cosmic shiz fo shizzle kind of thing, but that sense of figuring out who and where I am.

I`ve once read that if you happen to meet your doppelganger, you`re going to die. I don`t know how, but you are. I`m not scared, partly because I feel like I have a twin sister, my other half. Somewhere she`s out there, looking for me too; or probably I`m just trying my best here to find my other self.

Last night, I was scanning through a blog about confronting your inner vacuum. The author quotes Thich Nhat Hanh. He says, “We feel that there is a vacuum in us and we don’t want to confront it.” (p31-Peaceis Every Step) He ascribes this internal emptiness with a feeling that we are alone with ourselves, and that we are afraid of being alone with ourselves. I do not claim that I would ever sound philosophical with my words, but in reading between the lines, I pose this question, “What would really compensate the feeling of emptiness?” In two minute intervals, we could have this climactic happiness, but then sorrow, on the other.

I`m not having a problem being alone, but that`s only because of the conscious effort I put on everyday to feel that I am existing. I operate on over thinking and analysis, think about the stars and signs, and scrutinize on truth-seeking questions. I`ve went beyond the idea of self and tried to be one with the realm.

I don’t have a fancy ending to this inarticulate narration, just an open thought out of an open mind.

From the words of Jenny, I shall quote, “I lied. Maybe the connection lies in love. The fact that loneliness exists provides a doorway to love, the possibility for love. A connection with someone else that grows out of that void. A true creation of beauty and the combination of soul.”

Now that leaves me more puzzled.

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