Personal Stories

Dealing with Shame: No Excuses

"If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear or be ashamed of."

That is a principle I've always kept close to my heart. In the last few days, there are a lot of things that have happened that just made me feel constricted and stressed out. Therefore, I was not able to control my smoking. In fact, it has gotten worst. I am back to smoking 1 pack a day and I'm not making this an excuse. I'm writing this because, I feel weak at having broken my goal.

It all started when a man tresspassed in our fenced and gated land. I have had to confront him. He was carrying a jungle bolo (a small sword), he walked about like it was his property, took a look left and right, thereaways and sideaways then that's the time he went to me to ask for some bamboo.

I was seething with anger even though I know this man, because he was not really a friend, just a neighbor. A neighbor who walked inside our fenced and gated property, without declaring his intentions first and who was carrying a bolo.

When I was face to face with him, I first took a look at the bolo, sheethed at his side. I glanced at his hands whether its movements or intentions were directed at reaching out for it. I stared at him for a whole 5 minutes, mustering up all my strength to control my anger and you know what I did?

Nothing. I said nothing and did nothing. I just stared at him so he knows that I'm angry at what he had just done. 

If this was in another place, maybe in the cities, I would have acted differently. But this was a unique place. I am surrounded by a clan with a history of violence.

I have daughters of my own. 

To top it all off, he seemed unaware of his transgression. He feels that he has done nothing wrong and it was his right to just barge in, walk about and count the things that he would like to get.

He said to me,

"Danny are you angry?"

I stared at him.

"Danny, why are you angry? I've done nothing wrong."

I let out a deep breath. 

2 minutes passed and I was still staring at him. 

He was a big man, about 40 to 50 years old, taller than me and I've heard stories about him. They said that he was the "Barako" or bull of this small town back during the times when here was still wild. That if his brothers were still alive, he would have been the "King" of this place way back when.

Finally he said,

"Danny, I am weak and old."

Something in my adrenaline infused mind, clicked. Just like that, my anger meter suddenly went down to about 10%. 

I let out a deep breath and sighed.

With a harried and annoyed tone I gave way, "Ok, ok, what do you need?"

The story ended with me hauling 8 bamboo poles to this man's house and me buying him 4 cans of corned beef. I am still angry and indignant, but I believe that I have done the right thing.

Other people would just have brought a gun to the equation. Simple solution, though it has its own demerits.

Make him feel that what he did was wrong and at the same time, send a message to the overall community that I don't mean harm.

I'm just demanding a little respect. 

Since then, there has been another instant of tresspassing. This was last week.

I know that we need to have the fence fixed. They've created holes in it.

So, what do I do after an adrenaline infused situation?

I smoked more since then.

What else could I have done to calm myself? 

Image credit: Flickr cod_gabriel

For My Sister

This post is for my sister, Meghan. She has been smoking since she was just a teenager. There are some things that I want her to know. Things that I have trouble saying out loud. Every time I try and express how I feel verbally, I seem to mess it up. Everything comes out how I didn't want it to sound. So, instead, I'm going to write this here and post it online. My sister is 22 years old. She already has one beautiful three year old child and is now expecting another child around Christmas time. It's sad that she's pregnant and smoking, but she's addicted now and doesn't know how to stop. She is a great mother! Believe me, she is. She's just made the stupid decision to smoke. I hear her say all the time that she will always be there for her children. I wonder if that's really going to happen with the amount that she smokes. I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but I've seen the effects that smoking has on a person.

My father smokes and my mother used to smoke. My mother got very sick a few years ago and was in the hospital with pneumonia and was diagnosed with C.O.P.D. I wish that had been enough to make my sister stop smoking. Afterall, she saw our own mother almost die. It wasn't enough though. I'll tell her sometimes that smoking is horrible for your body. I tell her about the chemicals. I tell her about the effects. She only gets angry at me for saying anything though. It's like she doesn't understand that I'm not trying to attack her but instead trying to help her. I know my sister has said that she wants to quit smoking. I've heard it several times.

My sister is a courageous person. She has been through a lot in her life that a lot of people haven't had to go through but she still wakes up every day and does what she can to keep going. She works hard every day taking care of her daughter and she's going to have to work even harder now that she's expecting a second. I want her to know how strong I think she is. I could only wish that I was half as strong as she is. I know that she can do this. I know she can quit! Nobody says it will be easy. She needs to do it though. If not for herself, for her kids. They deserve to grow up and have her in their lives. My sister is an amazing woman. I look up to her so much. She is my not just my sister, but my friend, and she is someone that I want to be around for as long as possible. I hope so much that she is able to break her addiction. She deserves so much more than what a cigarette has to offer.

Retribution & A Smoker

Forrest was my friend’s roommate. He gambled for money to buy cigarettes. The mind of a gambler is corrupt, when they are down it stimulates their urge to try again, in order to make up for what they now lost, (retribution) or in disappointment to losing, feeling the rush. His case is diseased and Read more

What to Do With the Money I Saved From Quitting

The national average cost of a pack of cigarettes is around $6.00.  Therefore, a pack a day smoker spends nearly $45.00 a week on smokes.  If you spread this out for an entire year, it adds up to an astounding $2,340.00!  That is a lot of money to spend on Read more

The Orphan Who Smoked Since He Was 13

The scruffy boy sat in front of our gate today for quite some time. He was waiting for me to get back inside so he could talk to me. He is 16 years old, but I’ve known him since he was 13. An orphan, having had his father murdered (and with the murderer of his father also murdered), he is a Read more

My Wife Writes: Being the Wife of a Smoker

Hi all, this is Danny and I’d like to introduce my wife Rowena, here. I let her use my account. I haven’t read nor edited what she wrote and I’ll read it along with you after I click the submit button. Read more

Quitter for Today

I’m not going to lie, I’ve battled with smoking since the young age of 14 (I’m now in my 30s). Unfortunately peer pressure got me early, and I have been smoking on and off ever since. I’ve evolved from a peer pressured, full-on smoker to a social Read more

Day 9: The Big Push to May and Mind Hacking

10:06 AM 29 April 2013. Monday Morning Philippine Time

I sit on my chair and I hear the constant whirring of some unknown insect species outside. They probably number in the thousands, with most of them perched inside the prickly bark of the almighty Ana-ih tree which is nearby. I glance sideways towards the street and Read more

Day 2: Dealing with Failure and Setting Goals

How exactly should we measure success? How do we know if we’re making progress? What should we do when nobody cares?

As a person, and my wife could attest to this, I am exceptionally stubborn. Though I tend to view it positively – I see it as being driven and Read more