Relationships: How Do We Know?


Sometimes I wonder how people know whether or not they have a healthy and functional relationship. What does one do and how does one define it? How do you know when it’s right? How do you know you are doing the right things?

Some people have dozens of relationships under their belt before they find “the one” and commit. Others seem to find that person on the first try and live “happily ever after” others get married, divorce, get married again and may or may not divorce again. How do we figure out what is right for us long-term vs. right now?

How do we even know what the heck we are talking about? It seems to me, that we base our wisdom and knowledge on our personal experiences. This can be beautiful but also detrimental to others, for no two relationships are alike. Just like snowflakes, each one is different, and tho we may have similar experiences it by no means makes anything concrete.

I’m writing this because I am sitting here and reflecting on the periods of time where I wonder what the hell I am doing. I do not know a damn thing when it comes to relationships, not really; my relationship with my ex-husband was long-standing and that marriage ended. I realized that there were many things that I truly desired from my ex-husband and they were not happening and could not happen; be by choice or by circumstance. I came to the conclusion that I was not going to be happy just co-existing with this man; I wanted and needed more.

Jumping into a new relationship was scary. I can’t deny that I was filled with nervousness. You have to re-learn almost everything that pertains to relationships. You learn how to communicate with a different person, you learn how to co-exist, and you learn how to spend time with another person in the same house.

There are times I find myself sitting and feeling like I’m floundering in an endless sea. I remind myself that relationships aren’t easy even when they may be effortless most of the time. I can’t lie and say sometimes I find myself frustrated that I have to learn so many things all over again; however, there is more promise with this relationship than the last.

Growing pains I call our difficult moments for they are uncomfortable sometimes, but they show us where true growth can come forth. We learn how to bend and sway rather than stay steadfast like brick wall. There are times where I get frustrated with my patience level but I remind myself of how patient he was with me during my difficult times.

I feel very fortunate for getting a second chance at finding someone who I can consider a real partner. The challenges are frustrating at times but are also beautiful in other moments. Growth in a relationship can be unsettling at times but also very comforting. The lessons we learn together cause friction and also create closeness.

To me there aren’t really any books or advice that I feel give all the answers, they only offer ideas or perceptions. Books, friends, and relatives can give you input based on personal experiences or experiences of others; relationships truly feel unknown. A mystery. Boundless and endless in possibilities and results.

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